yusrah (she/her) chef
(for the sake of my girlfriends privacy, instead using her name i will be replacing it with the pronoun her or girlfriend)
i would always try to control conversations that i had with family members to avoid hearing things that would make me upset.
being a Muslim woman living in a family with such traditional ways of thinking made it hard to be myself. it took me a year into dating my girlfriend to come out to my siblings, some were supportive, others told me i wasn’t thinking correctly.
i have known since i was a young child that i was bisexual, yet my internalized homophobia caused by such a strict background forced me to stay locked up in the closet.
being the youngest of such a big family, 12 siblings, is hard. everyone wants to view you in their interpretation of who you are.
i had siblings who tried to out me to my mom which i denied on multiple occasions. i was afraid of being disowned, being forced into an arranged marriage, or worse. when quarantine started, i lost my job and it was just my girlfriend, our cat, and i every single day. we spent our days trying out new hobbies, cooking foods we’ve never had, and building a connection like no other.
the phone started ringing and i felt my heart immediately drop. one day while i was doing one of my hobbies to keep me sane i got a phone call from my mother, and then she texted me when i didn’t answer saying, “i know you’re not busy, answer the phone,” my heart immediately dropped as I called her back.
she started to question me, asking me if the reason why i don’t live with her, is because i’m with my girlfriend’s brother. i said, “no.” she said, “are you like dating her?” i was just so tired of hiding i just replied with “yes.”
she immediately started to shame me in arabic and say to change my ways now before i die a sinner. she said, “are you letting a woman touch you? do you actually like that?” i replied with, “it doesn’t matter if i do or not, it’s none of your business what happens between us,” she stated that as my mother she had a right to know, which i said no too.
i tried to say that Allah (God) made me that way. when i said that, she got more angry saying that I was coerced into dating my girlfriend and that i was a victim. i immediately shut that down.
she also said that my family members will refuse to let me see my nieces in fear that i would try to sexually abuse them. as a victim of sexual abuse and decent human being, i would never ever harm someone that way at all.
once she said that, it was over the conversation and she hung up on me. i was so disgusted with the words that were coming out of her mouth, i couldn’t believe that my own mother could say such hurtful things toward me.
as time went on, she would text me horrifying things every single day which made me put her on do not disturb.
after she couldn’t reach me, she started to harass my girlfriend’s mother saying that she was pretty much going to kidnap one of my girlfriends siblings if i didn’t return home. we all tried to ignore it as much as we could and eventually she stopped messaging us for a while.
this was the hardest thing i had to go through, not only because i was in quarantine, but because my own mother verbally abused me for months because i am gay.
it’s hard, especially when you think no one is in your corner. i was reassured by my girlfriend, her parents and family members, and my siblings that they were behind me 100%.
i still try to have a relationship with my mother to this day but it’s hard.
i never knew how hard it was to be disconnected from my mother and i didn’t want to be the person she perceived me to be. i did not stray away from my faith because of my mother. It made my faith stronger, and my relationship no longer had something sitting on the back burner waiting to boil over.
i’m happy that i got to come out, but i’m
sad about the way it was forced out of me.
love is love, and i will always love who i want to love rather than live in regret.