anthony hurd, 23, (they/them) https://justaphase.bigcartel.com
personally, i can say that this past year is a bit of a blur, and in the blur i can hardly recognize the person i was a year ago.
through the veil of fogginess that i placed upon my consciousness in the form of drugs
and drinking, i can see a completely different version of myself who has gone through so many
necessary changes and moments of growth. i guess when isolation was forced upon me i had
nowhere to look but inward.
to set the stage, a little over a year ago in march i was going through a horrible breakup
with a partner who i was living with at the time.
we had lived in los angeles together for about a year until the hurt we had both caused each other had become too unbearable to live with, emotionally and physically. and as my relationship is crumbling before me, COVID-19 starts to become an increasing concern and almost immediately. i realize I won’t be able to live on my own in los angeles, especially since about three weeks later i lose the two part-time jobs that were getting me by, still living paycheck to paycheck and splitting rent with a partner.
so, i shamefully pack up my belongings and move back in with my mom in fontana.
back at my mom’s house, with COVID-19 cases increasing and stay at home orders
firmly in place, i was finding it extremely difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel and
any plan for my future.
i had just gotten out of the longest relationship of my life, and being back home had me feeling so down on my luck. i was taking classes at pasadena city college, which had of course transitioned to online, and i had been awaiting admission to a four-year university, which ended up being csu long beach . so, as i move back home and await my fate and try to come up with a game plan to get my life together, isolation is kicking my ass and bringing on so much processing and reflection.
while reflecting and also losing my shit like the rest of the world, i realized that the
relationship i had been in had been bound to end for a while, and I had struggled with
codependency, trauma bonding and really just a total lack of authentic and honest
communication.
my mental wellbeing had been declining and we were not doing each other
much good by staying together. being in a serious relationship requires so much inner work and
compromise and communication that I hadn’t been doing, and I need a lot of time to heal. And
cry. and self medicate. which is exactly what i did. and after about five months of that, what did i think would be a good idea?
to get on tinder.
in retrospect, i was lonely and mourning many things, including the old ways of living.
the way i coped was by trying to meet new people, put myself out there and get some attention.
i am not excusing the irresponsibility of trying to meet new people during a pandemic, but i
really was just trying to find one person to talk to and spend some time with, and i was stuck at
my mom’s house with no jobs and no plan for the future.
well, one thing led to another and i ended up talking to this cute boy for about a month through text before we decided to meet each other in person at a park, away from any crowded places, for our first date. and so about five months after my horrific breakup, i fell in love.
but this time was different.
this time made me question what i had been feeling all the times before, and if before him, did I ever really feel love at all? were all those times before this love? because this felt different.
not only did i begin to discover new feelings with another person, i began to discover
new things about myself. i began to realize how many parts of myself i was hiding, and how
many fronts i had put up based on internalized ideas of myself and how people perceive me.
it must have been the combination of falling in love, gaining a new sense of confidence, and not
being perceived by strangers in customer service everyday, but i began to get to know myself
more and more.
i began to feel like a child again, where i could be playful, silly and fearless, not
afraid of judgement. i rekindled a love for pop music that i thought was long gone, but it turns
out that the love i have for pop music was just shamed and driven into the pits of my being until
chromatica came out and revived it and i questioned why i had been depriving myself all this
time of the joy that is pop music.
growing up queer, so many parts of myself were hidden and i had to fabricate others that
i thought were more palatable and acceptable. at certain times, i feel like i am growing up all
over again as i welcome another part of myself i thought was lost.
something about falling in love made those parts want to come out and be accepted and even celebrated.
i wasn’t afraid anymore.
i wanted to let go of all preconceived ideas of what i could, or should be.
getting to know oneself really is so imperative to navigating relationships and dealing with complex
feelings, and it is something that i don’t think i had done enough of until recently. my heart
became open for all sides of myself to come out and play, unafraid of rejection and not seeking
validation.
i’m not going to say that this newfound sense of self all came from falling in love with
someone else, because even this new relationship has not been easy and it has been tested
several times.
so no, it did not all come from a romantic relationship. i put in a lot of the inner
work to push my limits and to challenge the inner saboteur.
the universe put me in a position where she forced me to change and grow. but, the love that he showed me did help me to feel more worthy and accepting and empathetic.
all that love created a space for me to excavate parts of myself i hadn’t seen in years. and it was so nice to see them again.
and even though sometimes they have a tendency to get tucked away, i am practicing patience and learning to embrace them.
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