katie priest, 22, (she/her) https://www.katiepriest.com
“are you sure you want to eat that?”
was a weekly occurrence in my home during my childhood. my mother feared that her child would face the same fate as her of being the fat kid, the fat girl, and worst of all the
fat woman; she would constantly scrutinize my eating habits and body weight.
my extended family wouldn’t help much with matters either, oftentimes making me get on a scale and comparing my weight to their full grown body. even though i was active in school and sports my weight was on everyone’s mind.
once I was in high school, i developed a eating disorder where i often only ate once a day in
hopes of having a more palatable body. this trend continued into college with calorie counting
and veganism.
i, a 5’7 woman, would only let myself eat 800 calories a day.
on top of this i would work out 2 hours a night in hopes of losing weight. after this stopped yielding results i did paleo with my mom and keto after, i didn’t have much of a choice. i was under her roof. even when i moved out my weight and what size clothes i wore was one of my top concerns.
then COVID hit.
i thought this uninterrupted 2 weeks was that perfect time to work on my body. i did at home workouts and only ate small meals. i would constantly look in my bathroom mirror to see any changes or imperfections.
after the first I lost one of my jobs and after the second i lost my other job. i was now adrift and fighting urges to binge eat while simultaneously wanting to be thin.
the next month was hard with easter and being home without a job i spent a lot of time with my
body. i continued to look it over in the mirror and scrutinize it.
what i didn’t realize was i was beginning to respect it.
my body, something i was taught to hate was carrying me through a pandemic with ease. she was doing all the healthy things a body does with ease even though my body was considered an unhealthy body.
as months went on through the pandemic and subsequent lockdowns, i began to revel in my
body’s beauty.
at first i would still say hurtful things about my looks in passing and eventually
those faded too.
because finally after a pandemic i recognized my body for what it was a
powerhouse that for the last 22 years has kept me alive.
my body has carried me through bullying in grade school, familial strife, a pandemic and financial stress.
my body was amazing.
a couple months after i had realized this the holidays hit which was always a time that i
worried about; the food; the gifts and the candy were always point of weakness and
oftentimes i’ve binged.
but that year was different i ate what i wanted without guilt and i
actually ate less. because i was focused on myself and my body’s needs not what a
family members thought.
after the new year, i started recognizing how much our everyday vernacular is focused
on weight, calories, and food. i saw close friends and coworkers doing the same things i
had once done, degrading themselves in the name of looking better.
it pains me to hear because i know that someone in their early years who they trusted made a comment about their body and it has hurt them since.
i haven’t lost any weight over the past year and i honestly don’t care.
i finally learned that my body needs fuel so that i can do amazing things and be an amazing person. i’m the happiest i’ve ever been and the healthiest, my body gets what it needs when it
needs and that’s all that matters to me.